So many people confuse sex or the act of making love as intimacy. They couldn’t be more wrong!  Understanding intimacy is very important when in a relationship with someone, for it is only in understanding intimacy that we can truly achieve it.

In understanding intimacy one needs to firstly understand that true intimacy is about connecting on a deep and intimate level with someone . Intimacy is about sharing your needs and desires and your inner most feelings with someone together with sharing your body.

Why do so many of us have trouble understanding Intimacy?

I suppose intimacy is not really someone we learn at school and sometimes things happen to us in our journey through life that cause us to fear intimacy.  For real intimacy to be achieved the basis is trust.  Trusting in yourself and trusting another person enough for them to know everything about you.  Everything about how you feel, what you like, what your fears are, to know and understand you physically on a sexual level.

Understanding intimacy and wanting to achieve it with someone takes courage and commitment and of course love. Courage to expose yourself to someone else, so they can truly see you for who you are. Understanding intimacy and wanting to achieve it certainly takes commitment, a dedication to the relationship, a willingness to grow and learn with and about the other person.

More tips on understanding and achieving intimacy can be found here.

When we begin a relationship intimacy is simple, we cannot seem to get enough of that person!  As time passes however and the relationship continues it is very easy to slip into complacency. Remember being in a relationship and being intimate with someone takes effort!

One of the most important ingredients in a successful intimate relationship is the ability to communicate.  Communicate when you like something the other person does not just when you don’t!  Communication sexually is just as important.

Understanding intimacy and achieving it with a partner brings a special bond, its the very basis for getting up each day, that passion and desire for another!

By

MaryAnn Roche

Many adult women of today where told by their parents, when they were little girls, to be nice, quiet, obedient and not to complain. They wanted to be good in order not to upset mommy and daddy, so they did what they were told. They obeyed and when there was something they didn’t like, they kept it to themselves.

 These little girls grew up and today they are thirty, forty, fifty. They are experienced, self-confident and educated. But even today they are subconsciously afraid of admitting that something is wrong. They fear that their partner will blame them for creating problems, get upset and eventually stop loving them. However, being tight-lipped is one of the most destructive relationship mistakes. And if you don’t dare to talk about what bothers you and to express your wishes, you’re not being a good girl at all. On the contrary.

We all know that communication is the key to a happy relationship. Usually, women are considered more communicative, while men tend to find it more difficult to open up, show their emotions and discuss relationship issues.

However, there is one communication area in which we, women, often do not excel. Many of us have problems telling the truth when something is wrong and expressing exactly what we want. Instead, we expect men to see what’s wrong and to guess what we want. The bad news is that men are no mind readers and most of the time they believe what we tell them.

Let’s have a look at this typical example: Your partner asks you if you’re okay. You say that you are. He’s happy and goes about his day. But in reality, you’re not okay. Maybe you had a bad day at work, maybe you’re sad, maybe you have a headache, maybe he said something or did something annoying. However, you don’t say a word because you expect him to know, to see it, to feel it. He would, if he really loved you, right? So you get frustrated and furious. He doesn’t understand why you’re snapping at him, and he says you’re hysterical. It makes you even more furious because you’re angry for a reason. He still doesn’t understand. You end up fighting for nothing. Does this situation sound familiar to you?

It’s quite possible that your mum or your best friend really see when something is wrong and don’t leave you alone until you tell them. However, most men are much more straightforward and a bit less empathetic than women, and when you say you’re fine, they take your word for it.

So my advice is: Speak up and tell your partner how you feel and what you think. Believe me, he can take it. Actually, he’ll be happy to listen, advice and help, or just to hug you and support you.

The same rule applies to relationship issues. Maybe something he does (or did) has been bugging you for some time. Maybe you would like to spend more time together or do different things. Maybe his habits are ticking you off. He can’t know it unless you tell him, and such little “secrets” have ruined many good relationships. The tension keeps building up, you’re not happy, he can see that but he doesn’t understand why. It leads to unnecessary fights and even to break-ups.

Your partner wants your relationship to work, just like you do. He wants to be happy, just like you want him to be happy. And he wants to know what’s going on in your head, just like you want to know what’s going on in his. Talking about things that bother you and about those that you want or long for should become a natural part of your relationship. So start today. Tell your partner you want to discuss something over a good meal on Friday night and believe me, he’ll be ready to listen. Don’t accuse each other and don’t complain, just talk about things that you would like to change. Stop keeping your worries to yourself. You’re in this together, it’s your relationship and you love each other, so be honest and open. And remember, hints are useless and they don’t work, so don’t expect your partner to read between the lines. You will see that straightforwardness is something that men deeply appreciate.

 Written by Barbora Knobova.

Overcoming any type of addiction can be incredibly difficult to overcome. If someone you love suffers from an addiction, their addiction permeates into your life.  Of course watching them suffer is heartbreaking, and you constantly search for avenues to assist them.

The harsh reality is that the addict themselves are really the only ones who can overcome their addiction.  Here is a list of what you can do to help them with their battle:

1. Help Them When Making Choices.

Sometimes it’s not so easy to make a good choice or decision yourself and often it helps if someone else can give you a fresh or new perspective on things helping you to see things more clearer and hence make a better choice for yourself. Perhaps suggest alternatives to their addictive behaviours and ensure that at no time do you make them feel stupid or judge them for their choices.

2. Offer Them Your Love and Support.

Often your loved one suffering an addiction has very vulnerable moments and they need to know they can rely upon your unwavering love and support. The support of a loved one can make or break it when it comes to a person trying to overcome or break their addiction.

3. Help Them When They Are Craving.

When first trying to withdraw from their addiction the person you love will crave their drug of choice badly.  Be there to help and support them through this so they dont give in to their addiction. Suggest activites or alternative choices they can engage in rather than return to the addiction.

4. Seek Medical Help.

Understand that overcoming an addiction is a trememdous hurdle, and that you are not equipped to help your loved one alone.  If you can engage the assistance of a medical professional early on in the withdrawal phase then this is advisable.  Keep the phone numbers of the medical advisors handy so that you can call
upon assistance as and when its needed.

5. Organize an Intervention.

A great way of showing your loved one that family and friends really care, organising an intervention, although terribly confronting does help the addict to face their addiction and understand its affect upon their loved ones. Facing it in such a confronting manner by their loved ones, often helps the addict to come
to terms with their denial about their addiction.

6. Attend a Support Group Meeting.

There are meetings everywhere all the time that are designed to support the addict and those around the addict who are affected by their addiction. As a support person, attending these meetings is of enormous benefit as you find and learn ways in wich to support they addict and understand how the addict
can be enabled, and by whom.  You also have the opportunity to meet other support people and discuss and learn how they cope.

7. Understand the Process of Withdrawal.

Educate yourself on the addict’s drug of choice, and in particul the process of withdrawing from this particular drug.  Educate yourself on the physical aspects of withdrawal such as vomiting and headaches and more.

8. Avoid Boredom and Stress.

Once your loved one has endured the withdrawal stage their physical symptoms have settled down try to slowly introduce structure into their day.  Remember an addict simply has no daily structure and will  have to slowly be introduced to this again to avoid boredom which can lead to temptation.  Remember too that a recovering addict will have tremendous trouble sleeping, as their addiction has greatly affecting their sleeping routine.

Lastly ensure that you take time for youself to relax. Caring for a recovering addict is extremely challenging and without adequate rest and relaxation, you will not be able to assist them through the trying times ahead.

Remember too, that a person wanting to overcome their addiction, as a much HIGHER success rate, with the unwavering support of a loved one.

Suggested Reading:

This workbook is based on proven success by many people. If you have tried traditional treatment and still don’t understand why you can’t stop alcohol or drugs, or if you are attempting to quit for the first time, this workbook can be of assistance to you.

Put an End to your Gambling Addiction Forever.

Grow out of your gambling habit and never relapse.

Written by an EX-alcoholic and EX-drug user (no longer a “recovering” one for 24 years now after 18 years of use)

By MaryAnn Roche

From Lisa’s Chair

The journey I have been on over the last five years is something most people, me included, only read about or see in the movies.  It has been a journey of highs, lows, laughter, tears and mostly of survival and self discovery.  A journey of developing into the person I have become today.  From the lows of lying in a Spinal unit to the highs of seeing the sparkling lights of the famous “Las Vegas Strip”.

It all began this time 5 years ago with a slight nagging pain in my upper arm.  I came home from my working day and commented to my partner that my upper arm was sore.  This progressed quite quickly to a pain that affected my daily routine, stopping me from working, sleeping and socialising.  I found myself at the emergency department of our major hospital, to be given the diagnosis of a massive bulging disc on my C5/C6.  After trying so many lotions and potions I was advised  by my doctor that the only option was surgery.  I was then booked to see a “Very well known and experienced” Neurosurgeon.  I was excited to be seeing this person who would take away my pain and give me my life back.  He assured me it was a very simple operation, and I would have more hope of being hit by a bus when he discharged me, than of anything going wrong.  I was so full of hope and could hardly wait until this wonderful person was going to give me my life back, 9th February 2005.  I could never had known how his words would ring in my ears for the rest of my life………3 to 5 days, you will be back home, pain free.  Those words started me on a journey of self development into the stronger person I have become today.

Hope you enjoy my story….

Kind Regards
Lisa Monaghan

Out with the Old In with the New

9^th February, 2005, a day forever in my memory, a day I was so looking forward to. Arriving bright and early keen to get the process going, I could never have imagined how devastated my family and I would feel by late this afternoon. I really don’t think there are any words that could describe my mortal fear when I realized that I could no longer move, I was so happy as I waved to my mother at 10am that morning as they wheeled me away smiling, to the operating theatre.

 Somewhere, somehow during my operation something had happened that would change everything in every aspect of my life. My body, mind and soul were no longer as I had always known them to be. My first realisation that all was not well was saying I felt pain in my arm, I just kept repeating that something was wrong. My family were downstairs unsure of what was going on as I was due out of theatre three hours earlier.

I remember waking seeing my Son, Daughter, Mother and Partner standing there smiling, huge bunches of flowers in hand, happy to see me at last. They had no idea of the horror we were all about to face. I was so sure that this was going away and all was going to be good again. Why wouldn’t it be-I was getting a new car and had a planned holiday to the Reef. Just a day or two should see all of this go away, after all the awful pain I felt was gone. I will be home again in 3 to 5 days, the Surgeon had assured me of that.

Never could I have imaged the journey I was about to undertake, a journey of digging deep and finding survival tactics I never knew existed. It is amazing the inner strength you can find when you are faced with adversity. Look out Lisa, out with the old and in with the new……….

07/02/10

As you can see by the date on my column today it has been some time since I last wrote and things have come to light of which I could never have imagined, but for now back to my hospital stay.  My three day visit lasted for nine long agonizing months, agonizing for me, my children, my parents, family and friends.  To see the pain and helplessness on their face day after day is really hard and sad.  To see their glee is also sad, their glee because you can now hold a pen or a cup or you can brush your hair, they feign excitement but really their heart is just as broken as yours, but they have to be as happy as they can be for your sake.  You do have your happy moments of course when funny things happen and you can even laugh at yourself and as time goes on you learn to do this more and more.  As much as you don’t like being in hospital it almost becomes a safe haven or another family and leaving it, even for just a few hours can be quite traumatic.  

My first trip out of the hospital was amazing and I almost felt like an alien!  Allan, my partner at the time, had asked me to marry him and he wanted to take me for a champagne to celebrate.  I had been practicing for a few weeks with my physiotherapist, Josh, how to transfer in and out of a car, so here was my opportunity.  It was slow, difficult and painful, but with the help of my Physio’s and Allan I was in the front seat of the car, the same car that had dropped me off a few months ago to start this painful journey.  Oh how excited I felt, it felt so weird to be in a car, yet I had been driving since I was 17.  We drove off leaving the hospital behind, so excited at something so seemingly small, I immediately called my mother and said excitedly “You will never guess where I am Mum, I am in the car with Allan”, such a big moment, we were so happy.  We stopped and picked up some piccolos of champagne and went and parked down by the river and drank to our excitement, to getting engaged, to being alone together, to being back in the real world, sitting in the car like a ‘Normal’ person, life just didn’t get any better.

Unfortunately, reality has a way of biting you when you least expect it, after we had finished drinking our champagne, it was time for me to remember that I had to go back to the Spinal Unit, Allan had told me something that had broken my heart and the Physios gave us a scolding as in our haste to get away from the hospital we had forgotten to take my wheelchair.  It seems my spinal injury was going to be with me wherever I went for the rest of my life……..how could I deal with that?

Kind Regards

Lisa Monaghan

Should I Stay Or Should I Go………….

For those of you who are the same vintage as I am, you would remember this as a very popular song title. It may bring back some very different memories of a time when things seemed much simpler and life was generally pretty easy. Our youthful memories, should be filled with heady romances and first kisses. Sadly though, we form habits in relationships, that are hard to break, or routines that are hard to put behind us.

We all at around the age of twenty to twenty five start to mature and partners or relationships that once we thought were sweet and tender, suddenly become manipulative and controlling. We can feel this happening but tend to keep telling ourselves that our partner is tired, stressed or even worse, we are doing things to make them unhappy and insecure. Mind you, this behavior is not age restrictive. I have to say that I know many people in their 40’s, 50’s even 60’s who are still repeating this pattern, over and over again. This type of relationship is very hard to walk away from, especially if you have a soft easy going nature, or have self esteem issues. You start to think that this is what you deserve. WRONG!

Rarely do you see strong confident types of people caught up in relationships they are not enjoying, they have the strength and self confidence to make a life for themselves, with or without a partner. If you ever find yourself in a situation where everyone around you can see these signs and they are prepared to put themselves in a vulnerable position by addressing it with you, be rest assured this comes from a place of love. Nobody wants to sabotage your happiness, least of all those who love you.

Naturally, everyone one will come across someone they think is unsuitable for their friend, daughter, son, parent, BUT if this is the majority and not the minority then we really need to take stock, listen and find the strength to move on. The old adage that “Life is too Short” is very true indeed.

Each new day is a gift and not a given.

Naturally, every aspect of our lives cannot possibly be perfect, but the person we choose to be ‘The One’, should make our heart skip a beat, make the room light up when they smile. Life offers us no guarantees, so we need to be as certain, as we can be of the person we choose to be our lover and our friend. God created something wonderful and unique, YOU!. You would not buy a BMW for your worst neighbour, so don’t give the greatest asset you have to someone undeserving.

Walking away from something that isn’t working takes an awful lot of inner strength and it is so much easier to stay and keep the peace, your partners peace, not yours long term. Find the inner strength, combine it with the love and support from family and friends and you will soon be on your way to a happier, healthier life, with or without a partner.

By MaryAnn Roche.