Many adult women of today where told by their parents, when they were little girls, to be nice, quiet, obedient and not to complain. They wanted to be good in order not to upset mommy and daddy, so they did what they were told. They obeyed and when there was something they didn’t like, they kept it to themselves.

 These little girls grew up and today they are thirty, forty, fifty. They are experienced, self-confident and educated. But even today they are subconsciously afraid of admitting that something is wrong. They fear that their partner will blame them for creating problems, get upset and eventually stop loving them. However, being tight-lipped is one of the most destructive relationship mistakes. And if you don’t dare to talk about what bothers you and to express your wishes, you’re not being a good girl at all. On the contrary.

We all know that communication is the key to a happy relationship. Usually, women are considered more communicative, while men tend to find it more difficult to open up, show their emotions and discuss relationship issues.

However, there is one communication area in which we, women, often do not excel. Many of us have problems telling the truth when something is wrong and expressing exactly what we want. Instead, we expect men to see what’s wrong and to guess what we want. The bad news is that men are no mind readers and most of the time they believe what we tell them.

Let’s have a look at this typical example: Your partner asks you if you’re okay. You say that you are. He’s happy and goes about his day. But in reality, you’re not okay. Maybe you had a bad day at work, maybe you’re sad, maybe you have a headache, maybe he said something or did something annoying. However, you don’t say a word because you expect him to know, to see it, to feel it. He would, if he really loved you, right? So you get frustrated and furious. He doesn’t understand why you’re snapping at him, and he says you’re hysterical. It makes you even more furious because you’re angry for a reason. He still doesn’t understand. You end up fighting for nothing. Does this situation sound familiar to you?

It’s quite possible that your mum or your best friend really see when something is wrong and don’t leave you alone until you tell them. However, most men are much more straightforward and a bit less empathetic than women, and when you say you’re fine, they take your word for it.

So my advice is: Speak up and tell your partner how you feel and what you think. Believe me, he can take it. Actually, he’ll be happy to listen, advice and help, or just to hug you and support you.

The same rule applies to relationship issues. Maybe something he does (or did) has been bugging you for some time. Maybe you would like to spend more time together or do different things. Maybe his habits are ticking you off. He can’t know it unless you tell him, and such little “secrets” have ruined many good relationships. The tension keeps building up, you’re not happy, he can see that but he doesn’t understand why. It leads to unnecessary fights and even to break-ups.

Your partner wants your relationship to work, just like you do. He wants to be happy, just like you want him to be happy. And he wants to know what’s going on in your head, just like you want to know what’s going on in his. Talking about things that bother you and about those that you want or long for should become a natural part of your relationship. So start today. Tell your partner you want to discuss something over a good meal on Friday night and believe me, he’ll be ready to listen. Don’t accuse each other and don’t complain, just talk about things that you would like to change. Stop keeping your worries to yourself. You’re in this together, it’s your relationship and you love each other, so be honest and open. And remember, hints are useless and they don’t work, so don’t expect your partner to read between the lines. You will see that straightforwardness is something that men deeply appreciate.

 Written by Barbora Knobova.

From Lisa’s Chair

The journey I have been on over the last five years is something most people, me included, only read about or see in the movies.  It has been a journey of highs, lows, laughter, tears and mostly of survival and self discovery.  A journey of developing into the person I have become today.  From the lows of lying in a Spinal unit to the highs of seeing the sparkling lights of the famous “Las Vegas Strip”.

It all began this time 5 years ago with a slight nagging pain in my upper arm.  I came home from my working day and commented to my partner that my upper arm was sore.  This progressed quite quickly to a pain that affected my daily routine, stopping me from working, sleeping and socialising.  I found myself at the emergency department of our major hospital, to be given the diagnosis of a massive bulging disc on my C5/C6.  After trying so many lotions and potions I was advised  by my doctor that the only option was surgery.  I was then booked to see a “Very well known and experienced” Neurosurgeon.  I was excited to be seeing this person who would take away my pain and give me my life back.  He assured me it was a very simple operation, and I would have more hope of being hit by a bus when he discharged me, than of anything going wrong.  I was so full of hope and could hardly wait until this wonderful person was going to give me my life back, 9th February 2005.  I could never had known how his words would ring in my ears for the rest of my life………3 to 5 days, you will be back home, pain free.  Those words started me on a journey of self development into the stronger person I have become today.

Hope you enjoy my story….

Kind Regards
Lisa Monaghan

Out with the Old In with the New

9^th February, 2005, a day forever in my memory, a day I was so looking forward to. Arriving bright and early keen to get the process going, I could never have imagined how devastated my family and I would feel by late this afternoon. I really don’t think there are any words that could describe my mortal fear when I realized that I could no longer move, I was so happy as I waved to my mother at 10am that morning as they wheeled me away smiling, to the operating theatre.

 Somewhere, somehow during my operation something had happened that would change everything in every aspect of my life. My body, mind and soul were no longer as I had always known them to be. My first realisation that all was not well was saying I felt pain in my arm, I just kept repeating that something was wrong. My family were downstairs unsure of what was going on as I was due out of theatre three hours earlier.

I remember waking seeing my Son, Daughter, Mother and Partner standing there smiling, huge bunches of flowers in hand, happy to see me at last. They had no idea of the horror we were all about to face. I was so sure that this was going away and all was going to be good again. Why wouldn’t it be-I was getting a new car and had a planned holiday to the Reef. Just a day or two should see all of this go away, after all the awful pain I felt was gone. I will be home again in 3 to 5 days, the Surgeon had assured me of that.

Never could I have imaged the journey I was about to undertake, a journey of digging deep and finding survival tactics I never knew existed. It is amazing the inner strength you can find when you are faced with adversity. Look out Lisa, out with the old and in with the new……….

07/02/10

As you can see by the date on my column today it has been some time since I last wrote and things have come to light of which I could never have imagined, but for now back to my hospital stay.  My three day visit lasted for nine long agonizing months, agonizing for me, my children, my parents, family and friends.  To see the pain and helplessness on their face day after day is really hard and sad.  To see their glee is also sad, their glee because you can now hold a pen or a cup or you can brush your hair, they feign excitement but really their heart is just as broken as yours, but they have to be as happy as they can be for your sake.  You do have your happy moments of course when funny things happen and you can even laugh at yourself and as time goes on you learn to do this more and more.  As much as you don’t like being in hospital it almost becomes a safe haven or another family and leaving it, even for just a few hours can be quite traumatic.  

My first trip out of the hospital was amazing and I almost felt like an alien!  Allan, my partner at the time, had asked me to marry him and he wanted to take me for a champagne to celebrate.  I had been practicing for a few weeks with my physiotherapist, Josh, how to transfer in and out of a car, so here was my opportunity.  It was slow, difficult and painful, but with the help of my Physio’s and Allan I was in the front seat of the car, the same car that had dropped me off a few months ago to start this painful journey.  Oh how excited I felt, it felt so weird to be in a car, yet I had been driving since I was 17.  We drove off leaving the hospital behind, so excited at something so seemingly small, I immediately called my mother and said excitedly “You will never guess where I am Mum, I am in the car with Allan”, such a big moment, we were so happy.  We stopped and picked up some piccolos of champagne and went and parked down by the river and drank to our excitement, to getting engaged, to being alone together, to being back in the real world, sitting in the car like a ‘Normal’ person, life just didn’t get any better.

Unfortunately, reality has a way of biting you when you least expect it, after we had finished drinking our champagne, it was time for me to remember that I had to go back to the Spinal Unit, Allan had told me something that had broken my heart and the Physios gave us a scolding as in our haste to get away from the hospital we had forgotten to take my wheelchair.  It seems my spinal injury was going to be with me wherever I went for the rest of my life……..how could I deal with that?

Kind Regards

Lisa Monaghan

7 Ways to a Happy & Stress Free Home

If what I am about to explain sounds like a typical evening at your place, then read on. The baby is on your hip, whilst you hurriedly put the Take Away out for dinner, the cat is throwing up on the bathroom mat, the hubby’s feet are up and TV on full-blast, and your teenager just angrily slammed his bedroom door because his washing is still on the line….

Sadly, this is not an exclusive club. However, the good news is that we don’t necessarily have to live this way. There are, in fact, things you can do to ease this stress and create a more harmonious home life so that you and your family can look forward to and enjoy being all home together.

A certain degree of stress is inherent as you deal with the varying phases of your precious-yes they are precious, family members. You must strive to uphold a core set of values and go with the flow to a degree. This ensures you can maintain a happy and healthy home.

There are some specific ways though that you can reduce stress, in turn creating harmony at home:

1. Be organized. Life can quickly become chaotic when you do not maintain organization. An organized home just flows, but disorganization will be full of ebbs and very little flow.

* A good tip is to start small, trying to organize the whole house at once becomes overwhelmingly difficult to achieve. Start small, one room at a time, and see how pleasing the task becomes.

2. Communicate. Your family will find it extremely beneficial to be actively working on communication skills. When you fail to do this effectively, you may not get what you want and may even lead to upsetting misunderstandings. Working on communication skills will in turn, allow all family members to feel loved and appreciated, create harmony and allow the household to run efficiently.

3. Always have your evening meal together. Everyone in your family likely has a full agenda of their own. You may even start to realize that you have no idea what’s going on with your spouse or child. When you make the time to have dinner together, you really start to relax and open up to each other, despite all having a busy lifestyle.

4. Enjoy each other’s company. It is important to schedule time to have fun together as a family, even starting with one night a week. This will take some advance planning, choosing an activity. You need to allow each family member a chance to pick an activity to their liking.

5. Show unconditional love, fill each other’s cup of love to the brim! Be sure to encourage unconditional love with your family. This leads to secure attachments and will in turn keep all of your family happy and stress-free.

* We all need to know that, when we make mistakes,which we all do at times,we have a loving family who will back us up and forgive us, no matter what.

6. Show support and go out of your way for your family members. It might not be your idea on a Friday night to go to your daughter’s ballet concert but just think of how she will feel when she sees your smiling face, knowing that she has your love and support. Express your love and support by really being there , no matter what or how difficult it seems. They can not read your mind, so just thinking about how much you love them is not enough!

7.Every family needs rules. Having a set of family rules will help with keeping organization, letting everyone know what is expected of them to create harmony for all.

* You will need to plan a family meeting to establish the house rules. Let everyone have a chance to participate and share his or her concerns. You will more than likely find a compromise that allows everyone a chance to feel happy and satisfied.

A home that is built on love will be happy and stress free. Don’t be too hard on yourself and others, and you will have the foundations for creating an excellent home life.

By MaryAnn Roche.

Insecurity in Relationships….

I am sure at some stage or another in our many relationships that mould us into the person we are today, we have at some point suffered feelings of doubt and insecurity. Unfortunately, this can wreak havoc not only on your intimate relationships, but our whole world in general. There are so many different things that influence us into believing we are “Not Good Enough”. If only we all realized how full of worth and beauty each and every one of us are.

I think the best way to explain this is to give you some real insight into someone who has repeated this pattern over and over, throughout their whole life.

Boys and relationships start earlier for some people and later for others, but our pattern of feelings and actions start from the very beginning. Bearing in mind, the early partners we choose, and the way they treat us can lead us into a lifetime pattern, of insecurity and self doubt. Other times I think it is something in our make-up that we can only strive to conquer and improve.

I started my very first long term serious relationship at the tender age of 15, and it lasted until just before my 19^th birthday. I remember from the start being very needy and seeking constant reassurance. He was very devoted, spoilt me and paid me so much attention, so why did I still feel like I wasn’t good enough, that every girl that walked past was better. Why did I always think there was something better out there for me but yet try so hard to have his approval. I was so sure when we dined out or went to public places that people were thinking I looked silly and wasn’t cool enough to be there. I am still working on conquering these feelings today. It would turn out to be something I repeated in most of my intimate relationships.

I married at 20, happy but not quite as in love as I knew I should be, but once again tried to make sure I looked perfect all the time so he couldn’t possibly desire anyone else. I had felt from an early age that I would be “Left on the Shelf”, so in all reality I had everything I had thought I had wanted. A man totally devoted to me, so why did I always think I wasn’t good enough. My marriage ended when I was 39, again I found myself searching for that elusive relationship I was sure I could find.

Insecurity comes and rears it’s ugly head, no matter how perfect you think you are being, and you find yourself wondering how you can make this person want you more than life itself. You can throw yourself into their life to a point where you feel you are indispensible to this person. Insecurity drove me to do things that I would be appalled at if my daughter was doing them. I cooked meals and delivered them, picked up children and baby-sat, formed relationships with family members carefully placing myself at the centre of his world. How could he live without me, I was charming, witty, attractive, yet so desperately seeking approval. Unfortunately this type of behavior eventually drives a person away, in turn achieving the exact opposite of what we so desperately desire. A person who is strong, confident and independent is so much more attractive to other person, which in turn leads to the very thing we are striving for. But how do we find this? What can we do to get to this point…….It takes time and hard work to find that true inner strength, which believe me is in all of us.

I look back now and see all the wonderful promise I had, but never believed in. When I found myself alone, for the first time since I was fourteen, I was devastated and was sure I couldn’t go on. A very dear Uncle of mine said to me at the time-What don’t you get Lisa-You are the catch now, you have your own home, a great job, nice car and are great company. I smiled and agreed, but inside was that nagging insecurity again. It was only eight years ago that these words were spoken to me, and to this day I wished I had the strength back then to believe I was worthy of a great relationship. You can have so much if you can fight your way out of your inner most self doubt.

Today I know that I am a ‘Catch’ and that I will find that true happy relationship. I urge all of you to fight back against these awful feelings of doubt after all, we, each and every one of us has something to offer the world that is truly unique and beautiful…….Ourselves!

By MaryAnn Roche

Strutt Your Stuff Ladies!

How many times in any given day are we literally bombard by TV, radio, magazines or any form of advertising telling us and showing us how women are supposed to look. 9 times out of 10 this is an unrealistic image of how a woman’s body is supposed to be.

Of course when you’re 13 years old you are young and vulnerable and still trying to distinguish reality from nonsense. How is a young girl expected to grow up feeling happy and healthy towards her body? Is it any wonder health issues such as anorexia are prevalent throughout developed countries. We are constantly fed the garbage that thinner is better on so many levels! No wonder it is sometimes taken to the extreme.

Somehow, somewhere while we are constantly being spoon feed on a daily basis that we arent thin enough, that our waist needs to be smaller, our thighs are too big, our breasts are too small, we actually have to try to come to terms with, and love the body we have. Somehow we have to filter the information we receive every day. We must change our thinking and perhaps do a lot of self talk in order to remind ourselves that we are perfect just as we are right now. For we are perfect right now, it isnt that we wil be perfect sometime in the future when we have lost weight, if we wait to attain our perfect life we will miss the perfect life we have right now.

Every woman in every magazine you have ever looked at has imperfections. They have been airbrusheed and touched up to appear thinner and blemish free. When you are out with friends try to keep the negative talk at bay. Generally we as women when we get together tend to focus on our weight and what is wrong with us. Try instead to focus on the wonderful friendship you all have and talk and laugh about the great things life has to offer. That way we as women, teach our daughters healthy attitudes towards their bodies.

Now hang on a minute. Let’s just actually stop for a moment and really think about this. A woman’s body can create life and give birth to another human being. A woman’s body can also provide nourishment and sustenance to an infant. A woman’s body should be honored, treasured and respected for the marvellous vessel that it is!

I tell you ladies, no matter how thin you are, I doubt you will ever look in the mirror and say “I’m so happy with the way I look” but as my daughter once said to me “Mum you will never be this beautiful in your life again, so go out there and flaunt what you have!”

So very true, and if we as women could forget about our perceived flaws for one moment, and get out there and strutt our stuff, we would realize just how sexual our confidence in ourselves is to the opposite sex.

By MaryAnn Roche.