I’m not a man so I suppose in writing this article on men and intimacy I can only speak from what I have observed about men and intimacy throughout the course of my life. Please don’t think for a second that I hold these views of all men, but only of the men I have known.

Men and intimacy – do they go together?  Intimacy for men appears to be complicated.  When I was born I had 7 older brothers and another followed not long after my birth, and my father was very much a man’s man, and instilled in his sons the need to display a strong masculine identity.  I remember any signs of tenderness or softness was quickly squashed by him.  Therefore my brothers grew up believing they had to be macho and tough and the last thing they should do is display any intimacy at all when in a relationship. Men and intimacy in that instance is difficult as a man would find it hard to find the right balance between the two.

However for men to truly experience a loving and intimate relationship, men and intimacy have to learn how to be.

The need to bond with a significant other is very strong; however for men these feelings of romance and desiring another and sharing their innermost feelings can spark a genuine fear for a man.  I wonder, is it really fear or just that fundamentally men and women are very different.  We as women seem to crave intimacy whereas perhaps a man needs intimacy less than us?

To be honest I think it’s a little of both.  You go on a date with someone, you go on a second date with them, you may or may not have sex, everything is going well until you realize you like this person, and you may even miss them a little when you’re not with them. What do you do?  Let’s face it, you can’t confide in your buddies and slowly but surely you feel the fear rise up in you.  How could this happen you are strong, independent and tough but suddenly you feel vulnerable and out of your depth.  At this point if you can keep your mind and your heart open, you will pass through this fear into the realm of intimacy.

Men and intimacy can definitely be achieved, if you as a man can drop your guard and allow yourself to feel exposed and vulnerable, and understand that you are no less macho for doing so.  The reward you will gain will be the deepest most intense relationship and sexual experience you could hope for.

If you are in a relationship and feel that intimacy is lacking and you would like to change the situation I can recommend a 7 step system called “Happy 365” put together by a couple who have been together 21 years and spent a lot of that time getting it wrong.  They stopped and re-evaluated their relationship and began getting it right and have spent considerable time sharing their experiences with others. Click here for more information.

By MaryAnn Roche.

Remember that feeling you got when you went out on your 2nd date? That passion you felt and desire for intimacy with that person?  As your relationship progresses and time goes on it is so easy to let intimacy slip, but intimacy is vital for maintaining a long lasting and satisfying relationship. Just how do we lose the intimacy in our relationship and how can we gain more intimacy in our relationships?

Is it a few years on in your relationship and you have young children, a mortgage, work pressures and no time? Do you feel like there is no intimacy in your relationship? How will change this and are you really looking for more intimacy in your life?

Are you further down the track in your relationship and the kids have left home and you find yourself and your partner have completely lost the intimacy between you?

You can regain the intimacy in your relationship if you really want it, but it will require work and commitment for both parties.

Deciding firstly that you need to set aside time for intimacy is the first step. Then organising that time together and understanding that intimacy isnt just about sex. Sure sex plays an important part in it, but it is more about connecting again as a couple, remembering and reminiscing on why you got together in the first place. It’s about touching and holding and ultimately sex forms an important part of regaining that intimacy.

By MaryAnn Roche.

Boost Your Leadership Skills Simply By Answering The Question, “What Does Our Organization Really Reward?”

The difference between leaders is ears. Good leaders not only ask good questions, but they actually listen to the answers.

Ask people in your organization: “What does our organization REALLY reward?” Listening to the answer may help you achieve marked increased in results.

Rewards and punishments make up the drive shaft of any organization. But my experience of working with thousands of leaders during the past 23 years reveals that most of their organizations reward the wrong things.

Such organizations may pay lip service to rewarding people for what is viewed as the right things: getting results, getting the right results, getting the right results in the right ways. But what they may really reward, often in terms of promotions and job perks, are such things as the care and feeding of top leaders’ egos, political conniving, tyrannical leadership ….

Here is a way to transform wrong rewards into right results.

(1) Ask people in your organization what your organization REALLY rewards. The answers may surprise you. But don’t get caught up in those answers. Don’t make value judgments. At this stage, you are just an observer. Simply compile the list.

(2) Gauge each item on the list against results your organization really needs. Does it help get results? Does it detract from results?

Do it this way: Pick out a single item from your list. Describe the problem in the item and identify who controls its solution. Execute a “stop-start-continue” process. What reward do you stop, what do you start, and what do you continue?

You’ll get results, but don’t expect overnight success. Not only are many of these wrong rewards ingrained habits but changing them seldom achieves quick results. Still, keep asking, What does my organization really reward? In the long run, when tackling the challenges that comes with listening to the answers, you’ll be getting more results as well as sharpening your leadership skills.

(3) Ask, “What does your leadership really reward?” When your leadership rewards the wrong things, you’re getting a fraction of the results you’re capable of. However, since we see the faults of others more clearly than our own, it may be more difficult identifying and dealing with your own issues rather than your organization’s.

Do a 360 degree assessment. Select a single item from the list and apply the start-stop-continue process. Don’t simply eliminate the item. Such items can be grist for the results mill. Identify the problem in the item then have the solution be a tool that gets results.

Guaranteed you will get results. After all, you are eliminating a negative aspect of your leadership and replacing it with a results-producing one. When you make this a long term endeavor — going from item to item — results will come to you in new and often unexpected ways.

(4) Encourage the people you lead to question the rewards aspects of their own leadership. Be aware of their reactions to your encouragement. Do they see the questioning as meaningful to their jobs? Do they want their colleagues involved in such questioning? Do they want to have senior management question their own leadership?

If people want the questioning to be a regular part of their daily work, continue it. If they feel it has little value, call a time out. After all, if people believe they are powerless to change things in the organization, seismic questions like this will only frustrate and anger them, creating a hot house environment for cynicism to flower.

As you go forward:

–Cultivate among the people a common, self-reinforcing fervor for the questioning. Don’t force things. Be an observer and a supporter. Observe their reactions to the questioning and support their efforts to make it succeed.

–Encourage the development of networks of people taking the initiative to engage in the questioning together.

–Now and then, and especially in the beginning, set aside special times and places to have them focus exclusively on such questioning, making sure they continually link the answers to getting increases in results.

–Keep that linkage alive. This is not an academic exercise. It’s not meant to simply have people feel good or, on the other hand, vent their frustrations. It’s sole objective is to get MEASURABLE INCREASES IN RESULTS. If results are not forthcoming, have people refocus on the need for the questioning; and if you still are not receiving results, curtail or even eliminate it for awhile. You can always reactivate it when the time and the environment are more conducive to having it succeed.

–Avoid having the process deteriorate into name calling and finger pointing. The idea is not to use the questioning to get the goods on people or as a platform for emotional outbursts against the organization but instead for what it is meant to be, a powerful tool to get more results continually.

Mind you, people shouldn’t be spending inordinate amounts of time on the questioning. Nor should it be seen as a major, discrete effort, like an operations or marketing program. Just the opposite: It should be a natural part of everybody’s leadership activities. Constantly asking, Are we rewarding the right things? should eventually come as second nature.

2006 © The Filson Leadership Group, Inc. All rights reserved.

The author of 23 books, Brent Filson’s recent books are, THE LEADERSHIP TALK: THE GREATEST LEADERSHIP TOOL and 101 WAYS TO GIVE GREAT LEADERSHIP TALKS. He is founder and president of The Filson Leadership Group, Inc. – and for more than 20 years has been helping leaders of top companies worldwide get audacious results. Sign up for his free leadership e-zine and get a free white paper: “49 Ways To Turn Action Into Results,” at www.actionleadership.com

Coping with anger from anyone can be tough. However, when anger is coming from someone dear to you, it can be especially difficult to deal with.

If someone you love is showing anger now, or continues to show anger on a frequent basis, you must resist the urge to fight fire with fire. Fighting back will only make the situation explode and you and your loved one will find it increasingly difficult to come to a resolution.

Coping with Anger Tips:

1. Avoid reacting immediately. You shouldn’t let yourself explode with a burst of emotion. Anger can get heated quickly and you don’t want to respond rashly, whether it’s with anger, sadness, or resentment.

* Allow yourself time to cool down so you can approach the situation calmly and rationally.

2. Refuse to take things personally. There’s no doubt about it, this is hard to do when a loved one is hurling mud your way. It’s easier to avoid taking it personally from colleagues and strangers, but for those close to you, it’s hard not to take their opinions personally.

* Talk to your loved one about what they said. Explain how you see their actions as personal attacks. If they didn’t intend it as one, they’ll have a chance to explain themselves. 


* If they did mean to personally attack you, it’s important to work out the issue. What can you do to improve the situation so these outbursts won’t happen again?

3. Admit the problem. It’s also important for your loved one to admit that they have a problem with anger if it’s recurring. They may say they have control over it, but it’s only a matter of time before it flares up again and causes deeper wounds.

4. Help them cool down. Whether the anger is directed toward you or another person, step in and help them cool down before they lose control and let anger take over. While you may like them to develop these skills independently as they practice on their own, they may need your assistance in the beginning. You can help them reflect on their thoughts and feelings before they act.

5. Identify feelings. People don’t just immediately burst out in anger without a flood of emotions first. Help your loved one identify their triggers so they can put a halt on anger before it starts.

6. Teach healthy anger expressions. Anger is a part of life. However, it’s how we react and deal with anger that’s important.

Expressing Your Anger Appropriately:

* Write in a journal.
* Exercise – go for a jog or run when anger arises.
* Count to 10 and take several deep breaths before reacting.
* Practice relaxation techniques such as yoga or meditation.
* Express anger through art.
* Focus on the good of a situation.

It’s important to discover a coping mechanism that works for your loved one.

But remember Anger Management is as individual as anger itself. (explained here)

At the same time, you shouldn’t get lost in your loved one’s struggle with anger. You can go over some of the healthy anger expression techniques and implement them yourself as well. By becoming a model for your loved one, it just may be what they need to change. But if their anger turns violent, remove yourself from the situation immediately and seek professional help.

By helping your loved one learn and grow, you just may be able to strengthen your relationship and developer a lasting bond.

By

MaryAnn Roche

Tags: Anger, anger exercises, anger management, controlling anger, managing anger

So many people confuse sex or the act of making love as intimacy. They couldn’t be more wrong!  Understanding intimacy is very important when in a relationship with someone, for it is only in understanding intimacy that we can truly achieve it.

In understanding intimacy one needs to firstly understand that true intimacy is about connecting on a deep and intimate level with someone . Intimacy is about sharing your needs and desires and your inner most feelings with someone together with sharing your body.

Why do so many of us have trouble understanding Intimacy?

I suppose intimacy is not really someone we learn at school and sometimes things happen to us in our journey through life that cause us to fear intimacy.  For real intimacy to be achieved the basis is trust.  Trusting in yourself and trusting another person enough for them to know everything about you.  Everything about how you feel, what you like, what your fears are, to know and understand you physically on a sexual level.

Understanding intimacy and wanting to achieve it with someone takes courage and commitment and of course love. Courage to expose yourself to someone else, so they can truly see you for who you are. Understanding intimacy and wanting to achieve it certainly takes commitment, a dedication to the relationship, a willingness to grow and learn with and about the other person.

More tips on understanding and achieving intimacy can be found here.

When we begin a relationship intimacy is simple, we cannot seem to get enough of that person!  As time passes however and the relationship continues it is very easy to slip into complacency. Remember being in a relationship and being intimate with someone takes effort!

One of the most important ingredients in a successful intimate relationship is the ability to communicate.  Communicate when you like something the other person does not just when you don’t!  Communication sexually is just as important.

Understanding intimacy and achieving it with a partner brings a special bond, its the very basis for getting up each day, that passion and desire for another!

By

MaryAnn Roche

Tags: intimacy, Love, Love Unconditionally, loving relationship, Relationships, trust, Unconditional Love