Men and intimacy – do they go together? Intimacy for men appears to be complicated. When I was born I had 7 older brothers and another followed not long after my birth, and my father was very much a man’s man, and instilled in his sons the need to display a strong masculine identity. I remember any signs of tenderness or softness was quickly squashed by him. Therefore my brothers grew up believing they had to be macho and tough and the last thing they should do is display any intimacy at all when in a relationship. Men and intimacy in that instance is difficult as a man would find it hard to find the right balance between the two.
However for men to truly experience a loving and intimate relationship, men and intimacy have to learn how to be.
The need to bond with a significant other is very strong; however for men these feelings of romance and desiring another and sharing their innermost feelings can spark a genuine fear for a man. I wonder, is it really fear or just that fundamentally men and women are very different. We as women seem to crave intimacy whereas perhaps a man needs intimacy less than us?
To be honest I think it’s a little of both. You go on a date with someone, you go on a second date with them, you may or may not have sex, everything is going well until you realize you like this person, and you may even miss them a little when you’re not with them. What do you do? Let’s face it, you can’t confide in your buddies and slowly but surely you feel the fear rise up in you. How could this happen you are strong, independent and tough but suddenly you feel vulnerable and out of your depth. At this point if you can keep your mind and your heart open, you will pass through this fear into the realm of intimacy.
Men and intimacy can definitely be achieved, if you as a man can drop your guard and allow yourself to feel exposed and vulnerable, and understand that you are no less macho for doing so. The reward you will gain will be the deepest most intense relationship and sexual experience you could hope for.
If you are in a relationship and feel that intimacy is lacking and you would like to change the situation I can recommend a 7 step system called “Happy 365” put together by a couple who have been together 21 years and spent a lot of that time getting it wrong. They stopped and re-evaluated their relationship and began getting it right and have spent considerable time sharing their experiences with others. Click here for more information.
By MaryAnn Roche.
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You are right as men we are trained to be strong, unfortunately we not are trained by men how to surrender. We learn from women how to be emotional. Don’t get me wrong, that is good. Yet, we also need to learn from men how surrendering can be powerful.
When a man see other men vulnerable without collapsing he sees he can do it.
Thanks Paul, I agree that it isn’t and a “smart” partner will recognize it and hopefully care enough and be patient enough to help that person become comfortable with it.
A great post Maryann. I feel what you say is right; men and intimacy due struggle to befriend each other. I don’t think it’s a straight forward case of dropping the guard. The guard has got to be recognised and accepted before it can be dropped. When this happens they truly can become a bed fellow of intimacy (no pun intended)