Insecurity in Relationships….

I am sure at some stage or another in our many relationships that mould us into the person we are today, we have at some point suffered feelings of doubt and insecurity. Unfortunately, this can wreak havoc not only on your intimate relationships, but our whole world in general. There are so many different things that influence us into believing we are “Not Good Enough”. If only we all realized how full of worth and beauty each and every one of us are.

I think the best way to explain this is to give you some real insight into someone who has repeated this pattern over and over, throughout their whole life.

Boys and relationships start earlier for some people and later for others, but our pattern of feelings and actions start from the very beginning. Bearing in mind, the early partners we choose, and the way they treat us can lead us into a lifetime pattern, of insecurity and self doubt. Other times I think it is something in our make-up that we can only strive to conquer and improve.

I started my very first long term serious relationship at the tender age of 15, and it lasted until just before my 19^th birthday. I remember from the start being very needy and seeking constant reassurance. He was very devoted, spoilt me and paid me so much attention, so why did I still feel like I wasn’t good enough, that every girl that walked past was better. Why did I always think there was something better out there for me but yet try so hard to have his approval. I was so sure when we dined out or went to public places that people were thinking I looked silly and wasn’t cool enough to be there. I am still working on conquering these feelings today. It would turn out to be something I repeated in most of my intimate relationships.

I married at 20, happy but not quite as in love as I knew I should be, but once again tried to make sure I looked perfect all the time so he couldn’t possibly desire anyone else. I had felt from an early age that I would be “Left on the Shelf”, so in all reality I had everything I had thought I had wanted. A man totally devoted to me, so why did I always think I wasn’t good enough. My marriage ended when I was 39, again I found myself searching for that elusive relationship I was sure I could find.

Insecurity comes and rears it’s ugly head, no matter how perfect you think you are being, and you find yourself wondering how you can make this person want you more than life itself. You can throw yourself into their life to a point where you feel you are indispensible to this person. Insecurity drove me to do things that I would be appalled at if my daughter was doing them. I cooked meals and delivered them, picked up children and baby-sat, formed relationships with family members carefully placing myself at the centre of his world. How could he live without me, I was charming, witty, attractive, yet so desperately seeking approval. Unfortunately this type of behavior eventually drives a person away, in turn achieving the exact opposite of what we so desperately desire. A person who is strong, confident and independent is so much more attractive to other person, which in turn leads to the very thing we are striving for. But how do we find this? What can we do to get to this point…….It takes time and hard work to find that true inner strength, which believe me is in all of us.

I look back now and see all the wonderful promise I had, but never believed in. When I found myself alone, for the first time since I was fourteen, I was devastated and was sure I couldn’t go on. A very dear Uncle of mine said to me at the time-What don’t you get Lisa-You are the catch now, you have your own home, a great job, nice car and are great company. I smiled and agreed, but inside was that nagging insecurity again. It was only eight years ago that these words were spoken to me, and to this day I wished I had the strength back then to believe I was worthy of a great relationship. You can have so much if you can fight your way out of your inner most self doubt.

Today I know that I am a ‘Catch’ and that I will find that true happy relationship. I urge all of you to fight back against these awful feelings of doubt after all, we, each and every one of us has something to offer the world that is truly unique and beautiful…….Ourselves!

By MaryAnn Roche

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 at 5:19 pm and is filed under Love & Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.